He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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