She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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