Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
