I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
