there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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