Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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