I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
