In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
