I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Randomize
