You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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