you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
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After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
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Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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