I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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