Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I need moral support for this bender
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
