u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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