the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
