cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
