I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This toilet bowl is my home.
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