my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
