There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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