youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The feeling are messing with the penis
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
