i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
