**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
