hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
