Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
