Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
