so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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