she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
