You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
