also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
