I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
