oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
