I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?