I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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