My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
