Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
