she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
