If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
