Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
