I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
