It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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