did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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