Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
