We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
