Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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