So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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