I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
