I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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