Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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