normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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