I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
