I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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