Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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