Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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