I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
