today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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